An open letter to Premier Iain Rankin:
Dear Mr. Rankin:
Thank you for increasing the Small Business Impact Grant. These are desperately needed funds for businesses like mine who have been operating in partial capacity for over a year and 2/3rds closed for the last month.
I do have a little feedback...
As big box stores continue to dominate the list of COVID exposure sites (as they are the only place to shop) might you consider re-naming the new cases this week in homage to them? A few names that I’m happy to offer up as freebies include:
The Walmart Wheeze
The Costco Worsening Cough
The Home Depot High Fever
I can hear the enthusiasm now, "I got mine from Walmart Supercenter!"
"Oh yeah?! Well we got our ‘family sized’ case from Costco!"
Imagine the new engagement for your next delayed broadcast with Dr. Strang!
While re-naming these covid variants available at local American conglomerates might cause your staff to field emails from an army of aggressive corporate law firms- it would at least allow you to continue to avoid defining what products are essential or non-essential (a sore topic for your political elite buds).
As I walked through my locked gift store on Saturday morning I really felt for the former MLA Maureen MacDonald (who by her twitter-diarrhea episode I can only assume must have been suffering an AWFUL bout of food poisoning after polishing off her favourite drive-thru meal & biffing the garbage at a locally owned shuttered restaurant). Her explosive fart that wafted on Twitter before she was able to apologize for the aroma that was piped into the face of every NS “non-essential” business owner must have been a terrible blow to the cover of what our elected officials really think of NS entrepreneurs!
OMG- Speaking of that! Did she send you a photo of her prized completely useless item that she bought while shopping in Walmart? Seriously! She ought to be recognized for not getting trampled by the thousands of people in the store. Iconic and BadASS! You really gatta get your hands on that photo hun - imagine the increase in donations from big corporate donors for your soon election campaign!
But seriously, think about how much easier life would be for the contact tracers if the origins of exposure were more accurately named! I’ll tell ya what, since I’m 2/3 unemployed right now with my giftshop locked & completely buried in debt having yet to seat a single person on my brand new outdoor 1600 sq foot café patio- I’m open to considering a contract position to assist with variant naming! I’ll even accept the modest equivalent of an MLA’s pension as renumeration for the gig (provided you promise to keep up the deficit spending in lieu of small business tax revenues.)
OH! Since our local high school likely can’t have a graduation ceremony this year I was wondering if you could convince one of your big box buds to host the ceremony at a Supercenter (after hours) since the open air football field would surely be too risky eh? The store capacity of a few thousand people should suffice and the intercom could be used to announce the names of the graduates as they walk through the aisles!!
Lastly, let’s talk about your re-opening plan. Weather permitting, after zero active COVID cases for months, once we’ve successfully hit 30% unemployment as a province and completed “the border wall” between NS & NB, might you consider closing these big box stores for the same number of days that NS owned small businesses have sat closed so they can have a chance to bounce back? I’d be happy to offer consulting services to your big box buds to help them switch to online/curb-side pick up so they can get a feel for what’s it’s been like for small businesses fielding hundreds of calls, emails and messages from confused customers. The luxury of the in-person experience only gifted to big box stores this past month would provide a much needed boost to farmers markets, gyms, salons, barber shops, gift shops, bars & restaurants and MIGHT even help your chances of them ever trusting you or the NS Liberal Party again.
I should sign off here before this gets too long hun. Hope you enjoyed your time “sneaking away” at the cottage this weekend. 😉
OK let me know! Thanks cutie.
❤ Jason Selby
Owner of:
Selby’s Bunker Coffee & Gifts
1090 Cole Harbour Road
Dartmouth, Nova Scotia
P.S.: Hire me xo
Love is how we win...
Cancel culture came for my little shop.. but LOVE didn’t let it win ❤️
•
BIG COMMUNITY LOVE - that’s how we’re vibin @selbysbunker
•
📸 of our iced caramel mocha & cream cheese brownie by @amytheglobetrotter
•
Our café & patio is open 8am to 8pm everyday! Hope to see you soon @selbysbunker ✨
•
#colddrinks #treats #patio #getoutside #enjoy #cafe #giftshop #coleharbour #dartmouth #halifax #novascotia #buylocal #supportlocal
No comments:
Post a Comment